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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in sanguin_incubi's LiveJournal:

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Saturday, November 11th, 2006
5:33 pm
Being home has been nice, I suppose. I guess, though, when it rains it pours. A lot of rain analogies lately, eh? Raining on parades, when it rains it pours, can't rain all the time... pah. ._.

What was one death in the family turned into two within twenty-four hours and Harley's condition is depressing. The tumor on her face is easily over the size of a baseball, though I'm not sure what else to compare it to. Having to pin her down so she doesn't scratch and rip it open kills me. The look in her eyes is absolutely devestating. I've never felt my heart wrench like that before. Holding her food for her every time she eats, giving her tranquilizers, petting her and always being conscious of her sickness is... horrible.

So, I'm feeling a bit down. I'm not insanely depressed or talking about how horrible my life is or anything over-dramatic like that. Rather, I've just been very... thoughtful. Things are so much more fragile than we ever like to admit... but to get into all the inane little details of what my mind's been weaving would take way too long and this was only meant to be a short purging entry.

Thank you to those of you who have been sticking with me and supporting me through all my crap lately. I know I'm pretty hard to handle sometimes. I love you all.
Shoy - I want to assure you that that had very little to do with your busy schedule. I totally understand that you've been sick and busy with your own school stuff. You didn't do anything wrong. We'll get together eventually (Funk-eh Town!) and rawk out, girlfriend! Eeee! <3
Kriss - FI-YAH MUFFIN! You're a dork, but a lovable one. Thanks for making me smile, even if you are making my life a living hell otherwise. But, hey, what are friends for, right? You're a pain in my ass, but me and you? We're going to be best friends. Best. Friends. Soo... let me borrow that top, Toot. (But from now on? Try not to talk so much. You're like the Dalai Lama of fucking retards. <3)
Qix - Save the best for last, right? Isn't that how it works? And to think, I'm having a hard enough time as it is keeping this short and sweet - when there's no possible way I could correctly express to you how thankful I am to have you and how much I care for you even if I wrote a mini novella about it. You're amazing, and you may not realize it, but you do make me smile, so much. There's a lot of really sucky people out there, hun, believe me I know, and if I could get rid of every single one of them for you, I would. However, the most I can offer to you is my constant support. I will always be here for you, and I apologize for anything and everything that has happened in the past few weeks that may have brought some doubt to that. You're beautiful, inside and out, and I couldn't ask for anything more. <33 Me gusta Qix, even more than PH.

Current Mood: thoughtful

6 Storms rain on the parade.

Friday, November 10th, 2006
12:40 am
Brief entry, not anything of interest. I'm feeling a bit better, albeit a bit restless. Kind of feeling a bit low about myself and my art, but I'm sure it's just a phase.

Blah. :\

rain on the parade.

Thursday, November 9th, 2006
10:23 pm
I almost feel guilty about that entry. Hah. And it hasn't even been ten minutes.

No, I guess it doesn't need justification. If you care, you'll ask, but... we all know I'll be okay in the long run. Guess on top of all that, I'm just horribly dramatic, too.

I'm just full of dislikable qualities.

rain on the parade.

10:17 pm
Everything fell apart tonight. Piece by piece, whatever it was that I wove, whatever grand fabrication I managed that made me actually think things were okay... it all crumpled. I woke up this morning and I smiled and I thought, "Hey, things are actually looking up for once. My friends are happy, I'm happy... things are going to get so much better."
I should know better than to think these things. Every damn time I have this realization, things fall apart. It's like some cruel joke. A cruel joke I always fall for.

Am I happy? That is the question. Damned if I know. I like to think I'm happy, and I know what makes me happy... I'm also easily crushed. Easily made to feel as if all of the world's problems lay securely on my shoulders. And, lord help me if I can't fix them all. Obviously, there's something wrong with me. I can't change the world. That's the issue, isn't it? I can't change everyone I want to change, and I can't help everyone I want to help...
And I can't stand that. I never have been able to stand that. I feel useless and I feel... I feel lied to. I feel like people tell me good things to make me shut up, to tide me over so I'm still around when they need something again. I feel like a novelty. If I don't happen to have anything of interest, I'm left on the shelf. And then, when someone needs something, they take me down and like a god damn puppy dog I help them. Hell, I'll even put myself back on the shelf if that's what makes you happy.
Maybe I'm just hard to please. Maybe I'm high-maintenance. I have my mood swings, I can be a bitch... but so can everyone else and I don't understand why I get so much criticism for it. That's besides the point. What I'm trying to say is I feel neglected. Neglected and sad.

And, who knows. Maybe it'll pass. Maybe it won't. It's always a toss up with me, isn't it? And we all know I belong in therapy and on some sort of drugs. I'm broken, simply put, and don't try to tell me that I'm not. "Normal people" don't function like I do. But, hey, what's normal?

I guess I'm not really making any sense. I'm full of contradictions. I just don't feel good right now. I feel like whenever things are really looking up, something comes along and ruins that. There. Simply put.

-sighs- This entry was contradictory, unimportant and holds nothing of interest. Carry on.

Current Mood: sad

1 Storm rain on the parade.

Tuesday, October 24th, 2006
3:37 pm
I feel rather... uncompelled to write anything on this. I haven't updated in a long time (again), but everything's been terribly stressful. It's just been one thing after the other. So... I guess this is kind of like a good news, bad news situation.

Bad news? Most everything. I can't focus, I'm confused, I'm overwhelmed and I certainly don't want to be in school anymore. I know I'm at the point where it's really hit or miss - stick it out and really learn how to support myself, like everyone else, or run back home and hide there. I'll have to go through this eventually, I'm not stupid, I know this, I just don't like it. I don't have a major in school, so I feel as if I'm just here for the ride. I'm not really accomplishing anything. It's like another year of highschool - full of cliques, aggravating people and bitchy teachers. At this point, I do just want to go home. Maybe start over. But that's really not a feasible option.
I have to declare, as hard as that is, and I have to pursue something for once. I have to start supporting myself so that I can get my own place and... eventually, things will settle. I have to learn how to drive and get my full license. I have to get a job again. I have to sort out the complex room mate situation (Nah, not really complex... just a matter of issues none of us have been responsible enough to do something about). Anyway, I'm talking in circles. Point being is I feel completely lost and utterly depressed over that - I don't know what to do to bring myself out of this. It's a hard time and... I don't know. It feels as if I'm watching everything circling the drain and there's nothing I can do to fix it - or that there is something I can do and I just don't realize it, or don't want to do it as childish as that sounds. I miss when everything was planned out for me, when I really didn't have to think to get by. It's not like that anymore and they're not kidding when they say the real world bites you in the ass. People suck, society's messed up, and life itself is just... crushing. There's so much to get caught up in and stressed out over, and I think I've really dug myself in deep this time.
And, as such, the simple answer is to just stop. To run home, hide in my room, and let it all blow over. Maybe try again sometime. But, hey, I can't do that either. I can't drop out of school, I can't just leave. It's not that simple, I wish it was. I also wish I had the faintest idea of what I want to do with my life. It'd be nice to be one of those good for nothing people who scratches the right lottery ticket and can live easy the rest of their lives, or that five year old who spills paint and makes a fortune off of a "masterpiece." Yeah, like everyone else, that's what I want. I want a free ticket to ride. Surprise, surprise, though, it doesn't work that way and I've realized I'm a terribly jealous person. I hate it when people get off so easily and I guess I'm even a bit self-piteous in the fact that I feel like I've been through so much trouble and people should cater to that. I'm a bit egocentric and I'm terribly judgemental... I can't stand rich little blondes who don't know how to do laundry because mom always did it for them. I believe I'm so much better them, whether that's right or wrong, and then I become terribly bitter that I'm working so damn hard to achieve something and they're flying by on Daddy's money and a pretty face. I feel as if they don't know life and how hard it is, like they're not really living because... I don't know why. Because they're stressed over when they're getting their nails done, not what they're going to do with their lives. That seems so empty and materialistic to me.
I feel like I'm typing a lot, but not really saying anything. I'm just a bitter person. I don't like people, I don't feel like I fit in because I don't go out and get drunk or snort something every other night. I feel like the people here are temporary - like the kids you hang out with in the hallways of highschool, but you'd never call them on the weekend. I don't feel like I have any true friends here... and I feel left out of what's going on home, even if that's not true. I'm not looking to pump this post full of factual things, just how I feel. I feel like I've fucked up real bad and I feel like I'm... on the risk of sounding emo, broken. I'm way too stressed, I break down over the stupidest things, and I'm horribly scatter-brained. I'm a textbook case of depression, but I'm too proud to go and get help for it.
On another note, I have no money. I've opened commissions, but I don't really have the necessary materials to even produce good art. OpenCanvas finished it's trial run just as I became really comfortable with it and I can't save in the program anymore. So it's a matter of screencaping everything and hoping the picture is small enough to fit in the cap. I could try photoshop again, but I remember just not liking it. It's really neither here nor there, though. Point is I have no money. And that sucks.
And this is all, of course, without the added stress and drama of jerks online. That's another long-winded story that I'll just save for another time.
In short summary? I'm lost. I'm tired. I'm depressed. I don't know what the hell to do with myself anymore.

Good News?: I happen to have the most beautiful person visiting me in December.
That's all.


Current Mood: depressed

10 Storms rain on the parade.

Thursday, September 28th, 2006
2:45 am
Holy rusted metal, batman - it's a FUCKING UPDATE.

It's been way too long since I posted on this thing, but I've been damn busy, so it's understandable. Moved into the dorm at Purchase, settling to college PAINFULLY, and blah blah blah. If I attempted to catch up on everything that I haven't posted on, I'd be here all night. The people who I needed at the time were obviously informed and, here I am, so I must have pulled through okay.
At the same time, there's been a number of people who've made a pointed effort to avoid me. It's funny, really, because I could have sworn we were adults now. Adults that didn't backstab and manipulate. But, then again, what more could I expect from a bitch whose been doing that from the start? Here's me being mature and stopping this rant right now before it gets entirely out of hand.

Tons of romantic problems that I'm sure I can expand upon in later updates when I don't feel like I should be making up for time lost. It'd all be way too complicated to and shove into one single post. This is merely a little post to let everyone know I do, in fact, live and I am looking forward to working this thing like I used to. :D Yay for emo-rants, right? They're at least entertaining to look back on. Sometimes bitter sarcasm can evoke a smile from me, I guess. Especially when it revolves around someone I intensely dislike.

On another note, my hair's growing out finally. Took long enough, right? I dyed it blonde for Otakon, did that Link thing, then dyed it red again earlier this week. It feels good to be back to the way it was, albeit much shorter still. I missed the red a lot and I admit it gave me a little boost of self-confidence I desperately needed. It makes me feel pretty. Now it's just a matter of waiting, still, for it to grow past his cropped length. (Supposedly, horny people's hair grows faster than that of people who aren't always thinking about sex. So, uh, if I think about a lot of ass, maybe it'll grow back quicker. I obviously require PORN to make my HAIR GROW. Gah, I'm a flippin' genius.)

Anyway, probably changing my layout while I kick this thing back into gear, but I'll work on that in the morning. I'm going to retire for now, I believe, after making sure certain other people are tucking themselves in bed as well. -flops-


rain on the parade.

Wednesday, August 16th, 2006
5:05 am
As if forgetting to sleep last night wasn't enough, here I am again at five in the god damn morning. << I should go to SLEEP. I don't know why I can't. I should be tired, but I'm not. I'm not the sort of person who likes pulling 'all-nighters.' Generally, I get really sick when I try to go without sleep and my body ends up just going on strike until I lay down and nap. This is now almost two days on two hours of sleep and I'm wide awake. I'm sure I'm functioning a bit less, but I'm not sick, nor do I feel inclined to sleep.

I think it's stress. I'm nervous about going off to my freshman year of college and I'm dealing with a shitload of melodrama as far as money and family is concerned. Mom's got a different opinion of me every other day, but it likes to follow the lines of, in the words of John, "Difference of opinion. I like me. She doesn't." Half the time she can't stand me, the other half she wants something so she's sugarsweet. It's really aggravating. She couldn't so much as take two hours of her time to come with me when I got my first tattoo, but I'm supposed to put aside entire days to help her rearrange the living room for the thousandth time. "It'll be over soon." It sounds nice, but it's a damn terrifying concept - that whole 'stepping out of the nest.' I'm not about to ramble on about it, though, since I can only assume it's the same feeling a lot of my friends are experiencing already and the one's who arent (Aw, you little 'uns) have heard me complain about it enough.

Otherwise, there's tension between me and a lot of people right now. Then there's work and figuring out how all that transferring will coincide with my school schedule. Then there's packing. Then there's roleplay, which I've finally confirmed really does roll over in your real life. Roleplay a depressed character for a few hours and you'll see what I mean. It dampens your mood entirely if you're really putting an honest effort into it. And, hell, there's enough melodrama on Furcadia, that rotten pit of a server I've crawled back to in search of some fun. I've actually met a lot of awesome people and started talking to a lot of old friends again, but I've also been reminded of the aggravating incessant whispers and nonstop blabbering of some other less intelligible people. Meh, can't have your cake and eat it too, I guess. (Does that phrase even work there? I'm rambling. It seems I've a tendency to do that at 5.)

On a lighter note, my tattoo is healing up real nicely. I was worried for a while that I'd need to go in for some major touch-ups as the skin peeled, but all the junk finally fell off and the tattoo looks just fine beneath that layer of skin that was just dying to be scratched away. (Funny thing that. It itches like a BITCH but you can't scratch it. Oy, it's a killer.)
Another light note - my feet healed up fine, too. Skin's kind of icky looking since he cauterized the incisions rather than stitched them, but they don't hurt anymore. Only thing that hurt was when I went in for a check up and he had to peel the scab off of one to make sure it healed right. THAT hurt really bad, considering I didn't have any form of warning before he jabbed at the hole in my foot. Ack.

Oh! Dirge of Cerberus comes out tomorrow/today. I'm so excited. -wibbles- Time to blow my last bit of money on it so I can play some serious shoot 'em up as a hawt vampire. Yeah, now we're talking. xD

That's all. I think I might attempt sleep. We'll see how that works out.

rain on the parade.

Monday, August 14th, 2006
8:28 pm
On a whole, I've come to realize I can't stand people.

I'm nice - perhaps even a little too so. I have no problems in dishing out money to a friend or buying gifts for people or lending people my things or anything like that. It makes me happy to see my friends happy. But, you know what, I'm about sick and tired of having them walk all over me in return.

For one, if I lend you something, it shouldn't get to the fucking point that I'm demanding you bring it back to me. For example, if I lend you a brand new video game of mine while I go to a convention for a weekend under the impression you'll be giving it back Monday? I should be seeing that game within that week. Not almost two fucking months later after I make a point of telling you to bring it back. It's common decency, people. "Once the flag's back at the base" doesn't apply to real life. Try it out on your boss next time and see how funny he or she thinks it is when you slip something of theirs into your pockets and walk home with it, then blatantly inform them you're not giving it back because you got it back to the base. Hope it goes well for you, klepto. And here I am breaking onto a brand new topic of discussion - taking my things withot asking. I should not invite you over under the paranoia that I'll have to empty your pockets before you leave. My things are exactly that - MINE. I've payed for them and I take damn good care of them. I don't care how spiffy you think they are, they stay in my possession unless otherwise noted. That includes, but is not limited to, games, my fucking permit, my military ID, cosplay materials, and CD's. I'd rather not have to bring this to grade school level of "empty your pockets at the door," 'kay?

Secondly - I am not some overflowing cash source. If we're going out to dinner, you should probably mention you expect me to pay for you before we're waiting for the check. Chances are, I'd be fine with it, but I'd like to know before you just assume you're going to be spending my money. The game of "I bought you a shirt so I don't have to pay you back X amount of money" isn't going to fly anymore. Whatever I've deducted from what people owe me, fine, but from now on I'm expecting money for money and that's it.

Third - My. Computer. I'm almost happy it's downstairs now. One, don't download shit onto it. I work real hard to keep my computer up and running without any nasty bugs, trojan porn or unnecessary bull on it. If you don't know how to download things, don't just double-click until the computer spazzes and you don't know what to do anymore. Don't save things to my computer without at least asking me. I went on that computer for the first time in a week just now and found so many pictures, music files and whatnot that I have never seen before in my life. Just because I'm letting you use it, doesn't mean it's somehow become YOUR computer. Have the decency to ask and, if I say no, don't laugh and do it anyway. Imagine that - I CAN say no and, being that the subject in question is mine, you have to listen to me about it! Funny thing, that.

And there's so much more. I'm not just some source of entertainment. I will not break my back doing things for you if I'm getting jack shit in return. I can only do so much at once. I can't handle being ridiculed twenty-four-seven without it finally breaking the camel's back. I'm only human, guys, and I'm really starting to feel as if you're taking advantage of what I DO do for you while focusing all your attention on what I CAN'T do.

I guess it's just one of those nights.

2 Storms rain on the parade.

Saturday, August 12th, 2006
1:32 pm
My back hurts. ><

I did finally get my tattoo. It wasn't that bad, really, though I'm sure the faces I made could combat that. Still, it's something I'd do again - which is good, since I plan to get that thar heartless symbol on my shoulder sooner or later. :3 Oh, man, I can't wait to regret this when I older!

So, yeah, tat cost me about $270, including tip to the artist, and I've been doing my part to take care of it with Dark's help. I can't reach my back, thus the Kriss must apply the neosporin for me and listen while I whine that it stings. I get to switch to unscented lotion today! Whoo! Exciting! .. ._.

I go back to work on Tuesday and then, in about foruteen days, I'm off to college. omfg I'm so nervous. << Like, I don't even want to think about packing or anyhting like that. One of those out of sight out of mind things, except it can't be out of sight because I have all this CRAP in my room for my dorm. -dies-

8D Yesterday was the worst RP day ever. EVER. Left my two muses absolutely miserable. Between the pixies, the demon slayers and the reunion with old enemies... it was a pain. And, somehow, I'm tired because of it all. ._. I'm crazy. :D

And, I've concluded Jezril will never get along with anyone. Ever. Not without having future plans of EATING THEIR LIMBS. << Meanwhile, Aiiya runs around hugging everyone and everything. It's a great balance. XD

Heading to the mall today to meet up with con friends and probably get kicked out of somewhere. It was the Lego store last time, but that's not there anymore... I hope Spencer's reopened by now. I miss it. I want to go there so I can spend more money I don't have! WHEE! 8D


Look under the cut to see mah loveleh tattoo. <3
Hey, listen!Collapse )

1 Storm rain on the parade.

Monday, August 7th, 2006
11:22 pm
Gyah - long day. Not going to rant, 'cause there's not too much to complain about, it was just long. Moved a lot of stuff into the basement for my mom, which was tiring. Then we ended up not going to get my tattoo since mom "forgot" and was two hours late while I sat around and waited to leave. It wasn't as if I didn't have a ride, Dan was driving, but she had wanted to be there and then she went and forgot all about it after putting up such a big stink about needing to be there. Blargh.

Wendy had a friend over, so I ended up hiding at Shadow's in order to avoid the screaming little ones. So, she plays Zelda and I sit here and tend to my innumerous wounds. Tore open my thumb, burned the top of my ear, feet are still healing from surgery, muscles are sore... I'm a right old mess.

(XD "Jacki... Jacki! ... LINKEH."
"Oy, what?"
">:| Linkeh. L-I-N-K-E-H. Linkeh. Lemme borrow that top.")
^ more of the reasons why staying up late and playing video games lowers your IQ. Zelda, Kelly-likes-shoes, and unresponsiveness. -gigglefit- It's almost as bad as the Final Fantasy and magical "disappearing Barrett" trick.

I should be going to get the tattoo tomorrow afternoon. Three hundred dollars at most, but it's worth it IMHO. We'll see how that goes. Then it's out to Toast for some fondue and hot chocolate, then to this place called Friget, which is apparently the most amazing dessert place ever. Should be fun. :3

"That's the real reason Shadow got mad. Link walked in and Shadow was like "... That's a cute top. Let me borrow it." And Link was all "Uh...". And then Shadow was like "Aren't we friends?" And Link was like "...No." And Shadow was all "wtf. Lemme borrow the top. -stab- So what's the problem? Lemme borrow the top." XD Thank god I've got her around. Oh, and if you've never heard it, the song can be found here.

I'm off to curl up under about five blankets against her while she continues to amuse me. She's good like that. :) ("Oh, speaking of death - let me borrow that top.")

Current Mood: amused

rain on the parade.

11:36 am
Okay, so I really want to move the spare desk out of my room now that I'm completely enamored with my laptop... but a normal person would say "Hey, that's a bad idea after lugging around props all weekend. Aren't you sore enough?"
Unfortunately, I never claimed to be normal and I never learn from my own lessons. << So, um... I'll probably busy myself moving furniture all day, complete with whining, grunting and all those interesting noises I manage to make (including that one "where the air conditioner falls just on the very tips of your toes and there's nothing else to do" <3 Amy).

My feet are feeling better. Left my bandages at Kriss' 'cause I'm an idiot, so I've been trying to manage without them as best as I can. I've got my last post-op. examination Thursday afternoon and then I'm pretty sure I'm done with it, thank god. I'm so sick of it. (OMG UPS truck drove past my house and I got excited. omg. >< I want a package. -wibbles-) Anyways, yes. I want to be done with this whole surgery thing. My thoughts are if they held up during Otakon and all the stress I put on my legs there? They're fine. Even better than fine.

:< No UPS for me. Just the mailman. -wants birthday cards, damn it-

On one last note - I have to get used to the weight of the Master Sword and the shield. How does one do that? Carry it around all the time and build up the muscles. So, yes, I have to walk around with it in my house. XD It wasn't bad enough my mom called me a "Faggot Elf" for dressing up as Link, and informed me that there was something seriously wrong with me when I ran around with Demyx hair... This'll knock her dead. XD -snickerfit- I've got some time to do this, though, so I'm in no rush. I think I'm basically convention-free for the rest of the year unless Shadow drags me to MangaNext in October. She just found it and kind of wants to go. We'll see how it plays out with school and stuff. Otherwise, I've got until March/April (which ever it is) to repair and strengthen whatever needs it.

(I lied. NOW the last note. I'm getting the triforce tattoooooo! -dances around- I think I'm going to get it on the small of my back. I'm going to sketch out what I want today. I'll probably add in some delicate decoration around it. Plus, I have to decide if I want it gold or just black and white. Sometimes color can look really gaudy.)

rain on the parade.

Sunday, August 6th, 2006
11:24 pm
Hey, Shadow, I can't feel my arms...
... Three darts is too much. @_o

-snickerfit- Despite the very Ace Ventura feeling that's running through my arms at this point, I had the most amazing time at Otakon. It was, quite possibly, the best birthday yet - considering, of course, the smut I can finally purchase on my own. XD Yes, it was the first thing I did Saturday morning and, yes, it felt damn good. Unfortunately, I didn't get the chance to go to any of the Yaoi panels or the like because I didn't want to leave Kriss (mien other half) behind. Besides, I'm pretty sure I had more fun staying with her than I would have sitting in a panel.

Right, where to start, though. <<;

Friday was kind of slow. Had to wait until around 4 to hop into the Demyx cosplay and, by that point, there wasn't much to be done. Ended up visiting the dealer's floor and spending a shit load of money, and then going to crash at the hotel with Kriss and Kelley. Rather dull, but - oh, yeah, that's right. I got the freakin' master sword. Guess that could count as a hightlight, right? X3

So, yup, was all prepared on Saturday morning to get up off the floor (Never again with that many room mates ><) and turn into Link. Went straight to the dealer's floor and got my freakin' awesome shield, along with my Shadow's. From that point on, it was picture after picture. I loved it. The attention drives me wild. Not to mention that Saturday was my birthday, so there was cake, singing, presents the whole deal. Some random ninja gave me twenty bucks. It was pretty sweet. <3 Spent a lot of time just watching people with Shadow while perched on part of the fountain we weren't allowed on again (<< Stupid staff) and then hopped down to go back to the hotel room while it was still vacant. Ordered some food and spent a good amount of time just being alone. It was nice.

Sunday was another slow moving day, but definitely not in a bad way. It sucked getting back to the damn lightrail and then to the airport lugging all my baggage. Between the two shields, the sword and everything else in my bags, I was lugging around sixty pounds. >< Hence, my arms are dead 8D Flight was smooth, though, and it's good to be back home.

I'd have to say, though, that the highlights of the entire convention were the following three things:
1.) Getting the sword and shield. It's a commitment, now. I have to BE Link. XD Yes, not just for cosplay, but for every waking moment of my life to make up for the amounts of money spent. I'll have my friends and family refer to me as the master of time and I'll spend my days, um, conquering... hidden dungeons or something. <<; There's this tiny patch of woods near my house. I'll start there.
2.) Little kids. I have never seen so many adorable little kids before. They ask for your picture so politely and quietly and there was even this one little boy that asked if I would sign something for him all while telling me how he saw the princess and how I needed to go help her. omg, so cute.
3.) Probably the BEST part of the con was getting to meet kacfrog711, an artist on DeviantART that I've kept my eyes on for quite a while now. It was a real honor to work with someone of her talent (let alone to be approached by her in the first place) and the little photoshoot was the most fun I've had in cosplay for a while, despite the fact that I was wiped. >< Wish I could have stayed still better, but my muscles were like "wtf. stop." I can't wait to see how the pictures come out. One day, I'll find a lake or some nice place between NY and NJ and we'll totally pwn those pictures. :3 Photoshop, pah.

Anyways, 'cause I'm rambling, I'm going to end this 'cause I need sleep. I'm scared I won't be able to pick up my toothbrush in the morning. XD

Much love to my Shadow. Wouldn't have been the same without you. <3 (Now shut up and let me go to sleep.)

2 Storms rain on the parade.

Saturday, July 29th, 2006
7:12 pm
And I find it kind of funny
I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which I'm dying
Are the best I've ever had

It's been a long day. I'm just worn out.
My feet hurt a lot. I haven't taken any Vicadin today, but I did get to actually see the wounds when I bandaged them myself. Not very pleasant at all. I certainly understand why I'm so sore now. Today was also the first time I took a bath since the surgery, which was one of the most painful things (and I mean to the point of tears pain). They've gotta stay clean, though, so it's not like I have a choice. I want them healed by Otakon, after all. That gives me a week of bandaging and being off of them as much as possible.

The hotel is all booked. The Rennaisance, directly across the street from the convention center. It's a total of 830 some odd dollars... but seeing as eight to nine people are planning to stay with us, it evens out to just under one hundred a person. It's not bad at all and well worth it.

I have a few more things to finish for cosplay - the last thing I really want to do now. >< I have to gloss my ocarina and shield, buy a pair of white spandex shorts for under the tunic (Links a man slut), and connect the belt to the shield. Not much, but it's work. Then I've got to pack and figure out what I'm bringing and blah blah blah. And, despite how it might sound, I'm terribly excited for it. My biiiirthday~ (I demand teh presents! :D)

Ah, the ripe age of eighteen. :D omg, pronz.

Still waiting to smooth everything over with a few other things. I just want to be done with it, really, and then I don't want to deal with it again. As far as how long this'll go for, I'm not sure. I've been insulted, hurt and disgusted one by one... it'll take a while to pass.

(My clock is bleeping at me for no reason >< Argh)

I think I'm just going to relax for a bit. Maybe spend the night alone. I don't know, I kind of like having someone to cuddle at night - I'm not picky on who it is. Kind of wishing for a boyfriend (Yeah, one of /those/ phases). It'll pass over. XP Just a month until Purchase and then I can actually show an interest in dating again, I guess.

Oh! One last thing. Tablet. Rocks. OMG.

rain on the parade.

9:22 am
If anyone is still looking for an available room for Otakon, or knows someone who is looking for an available room, please let me know! I still have some space and every person's contriubution towards the price is highly appreciated!

The past two days have been absolute shit. I had surgery on Thursday and came home absolutely zonked. Slept the entire day, went back to the podiatrist to get some vicadin because of the holes in my feet, and I've been primarily bed-ridden since then (which I can't stand... no pun intended). My mom tells me later that day when I'm conscious again that she would like me to switch over to a closer hotel room than seventeen miles from the con center - something that's perfectly reasonable and a factor I was going to tend to even if she hadn't said anything. Apparently, though, this was absolute madness and no one else could seem to understand how getting a hotel across the street from the center, albeit a bit more expensive, would be much better for someone who had just had surgery upon their feet. Besides, if you cosplay, you know the convenience of being able to just get back to your room if you need anything. I wasn't about to deal with a twenty minute car trip every morning and the worries of "did I remember everything?" when a perfectly good room was available across the street. If everyone made the transfer, it would have evened out at just barely one hundred each - average, really. I expected it from the start. I've been saving money for two months.

Yesterday was just a continuation of the bullshit and I have to say it's a shame to end something on such a sour note. I booked the hotel across the street, and like I said I could, found at least four other people that are going to be staying with us - maybe even a bit more. Ninety dollars a person. No problem. Nice hotel, perfect location, not too bad of a price. I couldn't be happier.

Oh, aside from that whole 'my best friend of five years and I aren't speaking' thing. It's complicated and it's not my place to list it all here, and besides I don't think I could really even narrow it down so it makes any sense. It's one of THOSE stupid girl arguments. Nevertheless, it ended in tears and proved that some of us are a bit more grown up than others. I could have sworn second grade was about the time you stopped putting mommy on the phone to lecture someone you were mad at. I know for a fact my mom wouldn't get on the phone. I'm a big girl. I can handle my own problems. Apparently, that doesn't apply to the other side. Long story short, the most I can make of it is a conflict of opinion and common sense, for example:
1.) "We can depend on the lightrail for transportation."
- The first thing on Otakon's guide is not to do this as the lightrail is frequently down for repairs. Nevermind the fact that it stops running at 11, only runs once every half hour, and would be an added cost every time we use it. This hotel is across the street.

-sighs- Difference of opinion that blew up into something it didn't have to be. There were no insults or "bad names," just a lot of anger that I will admit to - that still doesn't mean that I'm pleased by this whole mom-lecture bullshit. Some people just need to really grow up. I've got another doctor's appointment for my bandages and all that stupid college immunizations. -

rain on the parade.

Tuesday, July 18th, 2006
12:54 pm
SUNY Purchase
Eeee! ^^ I love it there.

Just got back from the two-day orientation and I have absolutely fallen in love with the school. Props to Amy for suggesting it and everything. You rock. :D

The people, the atmosphere, the scenery - its a beautiful place. I found myself a roommate, got a feel for the dorms and all that, and set up my schedule - which is to be filled with so many different things. XD Declaring might be hard, mostly because if I do want to pursue any form of art I haev to apply to one of the conservatories and then get accepted there... but if I dont (my damn apostrophe key isnt working), then I might just major in Biology or something of the sort. Go on to be a teacher. Whatever.

It was soooo hot. Figures the time New York is in an advisory worthy heat wave, I go to an orientation where there isnt any AC. The dorms were nice aside from it being, like, over one hundred degrees. >< Gross humid ickyness.

The trip home was funny, too. We are all over tired for our own reasons and Wendy then becomes a constant source of amusement. To the point Mom threw a magazine at her and told her to circle every time she saw the word "the" just to keep her quiet. XD

Cutting this short so I can seek relief in teh Amy pool.

(Oh, and Ive really started work on my Otakon cosplay. Working with a lot of materials Ive never worked with so directly - plexiglass, vinyl, etc... But I do really like the way its coming out and I have high expectations for it. Now I just need to get my hair blonde. On a percentage rate, Id still only consider it like 20%... but I will get there.)

((I hate my apostrophe key.))

3 Storms rain on the parade.

Saturday, July 8th, 2006
2:45 pm
I hate my haircut. Absolutely loathe it. It's much too short and looks nothing like the reference I presented to the woman. "It'll grow out" really isn't the sympathy I'm looking for considering orientation is in a week and this whole modelling thing Scott proposed is god knows when and, well damn, I would have liked to have my HAIR then. This was a huge mistake.

And Kelley? Silence is really reassuring for my self-esteem. Hell, you could have lied if it would make me feel better, no? And as far as "Call me if you need a distraction"? Silence, again, probably isn't the best. Just a thought. Just an idea.

Hats are about to become my new best friend.

2 Storms rain on the parade.

Thursday, July 6th, 2006
10:13 pm
Song Thingy
Lazing about with Kriss and came across this little... [insert title here]... that seemed like it might be fun. Basically, you do this:
1. Put your media player on shuffle.
2. Type in the first few lines of the first twenty five songs that come on, no matter how obscure/strange.
3. Let other people who read your journal guess what song the lyrics are from and cross them off when someone gets it right. (Crediting them, of course. :D)
4. No cheating! That means no Google searches or anything!
So, trusting I-Tunes doesn't just start playing KH-2 music like it usually likes to do, we'll give this a try and hope nothing too obvious pops up.

1. If you are near to the dark, I will tell you of the sun. You are here, no escape from my visions of the world. You will cry - all alone - but it does not mean a thing to me.

2. Don't tell me what to think, 'cause I don't care this time. Don't tell me what to believe, 'cause you won't be there to catch me when I fall.

3. She says she's no good with words, but I'm worse. Barely stuttered out, "A joke of a romantic," stuck to my tongue. Weighed down with words, too over-dramatic.

4. Days swiftly come and go, I'm dreaming of her. She's seeing other guys, emotions they stir. The sun is gone, the nights are long, and I am left while the tears fall.

5. Let the fun and games begin. She is spayed and broken in. Skin is cold and white, such a lovely, lonely night. Heaven is on the way. You can feel the hate, but I guess you never will.

6. All my bags are packed and ready to go. I'm standing here outside the door. I hate to wake you up to say goodbye.

7. Calling tears from deep inside, oh, you're so exquisite. And in the mirror, all midnight eyes. Oh, if I could remain, but it's just a visit. All midnight eyes read "vacancy." Twisted, twisting. To the lovely dancing lights, I beg, "May I cut in?" but they never stop playing "their song."

8. Threw you the obvious and you flew with it on your back. A name in your recollection, down among a million same. Difficult not to feel a little bit disappointed and passed over when I've looked right through to see you naked and oblivious.

9. I am intrinsically no good. I have a heart that's made of wood. And I am only biding time. Only reciting memorized lines.

10. Left on an eastbound train, gone first thing this morning. Why's what's best for you always the worst thing for me? When am I gonna learn? Why? 'cause I'm tired of hating. When will it be your turn? Why? 'cause I'm tired of waiting.

11. Coming out of my cage and I've been doing just fine. Gotta gotta be down because I want it all. It started out with a kiss - how did it end up like this? It was only a kiss, it was only a kiss.

12. Heaven sent you to bring the answer. Heaven sent you to cure this cancer. For a moment, unbeatable chance. For a moment, the world in my hands. Like an angel you came everytime when I prayed. Guardian of my dreams, watching me when I sleep. Like an angel you came everytime when I screamed.

13. I am a little bit of loneliness, a little bit of disregard. Handful of complaints, but I can't help the fact that everybody can see these scars. I am what I want you to want, what I want you to feel, but it's like no matter what I do, I can't convince you to just believe this is real.

14. How have you been? Nice to see you again. How quickly these conversations seem to end. You meet a friend every now and then. How quickly these relations turn into trends. Put all your walls up and open your windows and close all your doors.

15. I tried hard to mend my wicked ways. Acted like a lunatic for years. Lord knows I try to be good. I'd keep my promises if only I could. You count your blessings and I can't rely on you.

16. I watch the bugs crawling across my skin. Now that you are gone, I can let things crumble. And though it seems that this was meant to be, it's so hard to see and all I do is stumble. The candles burn, but it's still too dark.

17. All our secrets, they are deadly trouble. Dribble noose knot around your head. Your spotless instincts are valid. We coexist. Got twenty-six days to work with, we got twenty-six days to work with, we'll see what all gets done. I'm an addict for dramatics. I confuse the two for love. You can tell me that you don't bend.

18. Can't stop, addicted to the shin dig. Cop top, he says I'm gonna win big. Choose not a life of imitation. Distant cousin to the reservation. Defunkt the pistol that you pay for. This punk the feeling that you stay for. In time, I want to be your best friend. Eastside love is living on the westend. Knock out, but, boy, you better come to. Don't die, you know the truth is some do. Go write your message on the pavement. Burnin' so bright, I wonder what the wave meant. White heat is screaming in the jungle. Complete the motion if you stumble. Go ask the dust for any answers.

19. Paint the town, take a bow, thank everybody. You're gonna do it again. You are the few, the proud, you are the antibody - mind, soul, and zen. And the world's a stage.

20. Oh, well imagine, as I'm pacing the pews in a church corridor. And I can't help but to hear, no I can't help but to hear an exchanging of words. "What a beautiful wedding!" says a bridesmaid to the waiter. "And yes, but what a shame, what a shame the poor groom's bride is a whore."

21. There's a monster that lives 'neath your bed. Oh, for crying out loud, it's a futon on the floor. He must be flat as a board! There's a creature that lurks behind the door. Though I've checked there fifteen times, when I leave, then he arrives every night.

22. I watched the proverbial sunrise coming up over the Pacific. You might think I'm losing my mind, but I will shy away from the specifics. 'cause I don't want you to know where I am. 'cause then you'll see my heart in the saddest state it's ever been.

23. This is weird - it's weird - very weird - Fuckin' weird. I'm so mad that I don't know what to do. Fighting with mircrophones, freezing down to my bones and to top it all off? I'm with you. Feel like going insane? Got a fire in your brain? And you're thinking of drinking gasoline?

24. The dawn is breaking, a light shining through. You're barely waking and I'm tangled up in you. I'm open, you're closed. Where I follow, you'll go. I worry I won't see your face light up again. Even the best fall down sometimes.

25. Can't you hear those cavalry drums hijacking your equilibrium? Midnight hags in the mausoleum where the pixilated doctors moan. Carnivores in the kowloon night, breathing freon by the candelight. Coquettes bitch slap you so polite 'til you thank them for the tea and sympathy.

rain on the parade.

Saturday, July 1st, 2006
2:28 pm
[mood: indifferent]
[music: Get Busy Living or Get Busy Dying - Fall Out Boy]

Harley's home. She looks alright, I guess. It's so hard to really say anything about it at this point because as soon as I say one thing, it changes, and back and forth. For now? Things should be okay as long as the stitches don't tear.

I start work today. I'm excited about it. Hoping to make a good first impression and all that. First day jitters. ._.

Missing my alone time a little. It's kind of awkward to have someone living directly with you - and, not like a room mate, like someone you have to entertain 24/7. I'm sure it's just a phase.

No city, obviously, unfortunately. x_x

I think once I'm alone again I'm going to start drawing again. I really want a tablet, blech. -falls over- And a laptop. And an X-Box 360. And a PS3. And a Gamecube. -covers mouth-

Otakon is still looking like a strong possibility. Depends on how many hours I get and all that... so I'll keep anyone who needs to be updated updated. Any questions, ask. As far as cosplay goes, I doubt I'll be tackling any new projects. I'm going to try and make a real nice keyblade for my Riku costume, but otherwise I think I'm just going to keep saving money. There's nothing I really feel like making at this point anyway.

rain on the parade.

Friday, June 30th, 2006
10:21 am
[mood: exasperated]
[music: Quasimodo - Lifehouse]

It's an up and down roller coaster with Harley, now. She came home from surgery yesterday and seemed fine - TONS of stitches, but she seemed okay. Woke up at two AM and walked downstairs to find the living room literally covered in blood. Somehow she tore something or something ruptured, but needless to say, she's back in emergency. The entire side of her face and part of her throat keeps swelling, but the vet said he's not sure what it is, so they're going to do surgery again - which they should be doing around now.

Every time she seems okay, she ends up taking a nose dive.

Actually going out with my Dad today since yesterday was... a long story.

Possibly going into the city for lunch on Saturday, but now I don't know.

rain on the parade.

Thursday, June 29th, 2006
10:08 am
[mood: blahgrh]

I still haven't given y'all an AnimeNEXT report... X3 It'll happen eventually, yeah.

The week from hell seems to be calming down again. Everything's smoothing over now and I've been gifted with the fact that we don't have to put down Harley - which was a big relief. They're going to remove the growth and just let her live out her days as she would have rather than spend thousands of dollars trying to track the cancer and then ending up having to put her down after horribly deforming her face. Fucking vets. That one foreign vet was all for just putting her down - I STILL dislike her a whole bunch. Kriss does too. D:<

Anyways, Dad's in town and, where I was excited initially, now I'm just sort of annoyed. I hate being paraded around like some attraction to family members who couldn't give a rat's ass about me the rest of... oh... thirteen years? -mutters-

On a lighter note... EEE I start work at GameStop on Saturday. -dances- And that means moh-neys. And Otakon. 8D Which reminds me:

If anyone is going to Otakon and still needs to find a hotel room, let me know! I've got one reserved and it's still got plenty of room in it.


1 Storm rain on the parade.

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